Over the years, people have come up with some truly awful apologies. From classic non-apologies to ridiculous excuses, and corporate promises, it's easy to make a bad apology.
But researchers have found that good apologies generally share certain elements, and that thoughtful consideration of these factors can help you make amends in a wide variety of situations.
Because public apologies have their own unique complexities,
we're going to focus on a few individual examples. So, picture this: There are free ice cream sandwiches in the communal fridge at your new office—or at least that's what you thought.
But on Friday, while you're helping your coworker Terence set up another coworker's birthday party, he discovers that half of the ice cream he bought for the celebration is gone. Even though it's obviously an embarrassing accident, coming forward and apologizing is still the right thing to do.
Understanding and accepting responsibility for one's actions is what some researchers call "the core of forgiveness." But it's okay if it feels difficult and overwhelming — it should be!
The costly nature of apologies is part of what makes them meaningful. So while you might be tempted to accidentally defend your actions, it's important to remember that a good apology isn't about making yourself feel better.
It's about understanding the wronged party's point of view and repairing the damage to your relationship. This means that while it can be helpful to make your intentions clear in a non-defensive way, just because your mistake was an accident shouldn't stop you from offering a sincere apology.
But what if your mistake wasn't an accident?
Consider this: You promised your friend Mary that you would attend her championship soccer match. But another friend calls to offer you an extra ticket to his favorite musician's farewell tour.
You know it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and you can't pass it up. Besides, you'd think Mary wouldn't mind if you quit the game—she always has tons of fans to support her. But the next day, Marie tells you that she was really hurt when she didn't see you in the crowd.
You feel terrible for upsetting him and genuinely want to apologize. But when you regret hurting Mary, you don't really believe you made the wrong choice.
So how do you get beyond that dreaded unapologetic, "I'm sorry you feel that way"?
In such situations,
it can be easier to focus on rationalizing your actions when you should be working to understand the other person's perspective. Consider asking Mary how you made her feel to better understand her guilt.
In this case, Marie could explain that she was disappointed that you broke your promise, and that she was really counting on your support. This kind of explanation can help you recognize your wrongdoing and honestly accept how your actions caused harm.
You can then frame your apology around addressing her concerns,
perhaps admitting that it was wrong of you to break your promise, and that you're sorry you weren't there for her.
Admitting the obvious wrongdoing shows that you know exactly how you messed up, and it can give Marie confidence that you'll behave differently moving forward. But it's always helpful to explain how you will change and what you will do to repair the damage caused by your offense.
Researchers call this "offering repair," and it's often cited as one of the most important parts of forgiveness. In some cases, these gestures are straightforward, like offering to change the ice cream you eat.
However, with less tangible transgressions,
it may need to be more symbolic, such as expressing your love and respect for someone you wronged.
A common offer of repair is a verbal promise not to make the same mistake again, but a promise to improve only works if you actually do improve.
Taking the victim's perspective, accepting responsibility, and making concrete offers of repair are some of the elements of a good apology.
But remember, forgiveness is not about receiving forgiveness and moving on. They are about expressing remorse and accepting accountability.
And the best forgiveness is just the first step on the road to reconciliation.
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